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"We promise to do it right the first time, or you will pay us to do it all over again..."
  Jim is now available for new relationships, private orgies, graduations, and all other gatherings...
  Dating Application:

Please fill out the application to the best of your ability. 
If you have a problem on any one question, please go on to the next one. 
When you are finished, press the "Submit" button (Aint that always the way).

Your name:

Nicknames / Aliases:

Your email:

Your age:      Your true age:     Your age in dog years:

Your sex:

Your occupation:

Where are you from?:

Where do you live now?:


Amount of baggage you carry around that is attributable to prior relationships?


A small carry-on bag only

A medium sized Samsonite

Several small bags and a small trunk

I have no idea, but the bellboy said he would bring all of them up later

I have no idea, but I employ a Greyhound busload of Sherpas to carry them

I've got six kids by three husbands and a gardener, why do you ask?

Baggage, I checked mine at the airport and forgot all about them


Highest level of education completed/currently working towards:


More than you apparently.

A lot

Hard knocks

Mentally challenged

Ph.D./MD/DMD (if you have one of these, what the hell are you doing here!)

Tech School

Day Care


How did you find this page?:

A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend . . .

My X told me.

Post Office Most Wanted.

Searched for "desperate" on the Internet.

Aliens returned me to earth and programmed me to come here.

Followed links from a porn site.

God hates me.

Blind hogs eventually find swill.

I just fell off the back of the truck.


Why are you filling out this form?:

I'm homeless.

Your desperate.

I'm desecrate.

I'm bored.

You "seem" like a nice guy.

"Ya, but you've got a great personality."

It's this or jail.

I've met you and I hate your fucking guts!

“I want to make you an offer you can't refuse.”


Why do you think you'd want to go out on a date with me?:

Your breathing.

I want your money and all your worldly positions.

I'm seeking my soul mate.

'cause I'm blonde and I have big tits.

I think you’d be fun to get drunk with.

I want to end up in one of your porn movies.

I feel strangely attracted to you.

I'm into self-abuse.

I want to have your baby before you die.

No, really, I enjoy having guys use me and treat me like shit.


What is it that you find most attractive about me?:

That big hump on your back.

That large lump in your pant leg, both of 'em.

Your constant use of foul language.

The way you show no regard for the feelings of others.

The way your immense ego blocks out the sun.

You make me laugh.

Your single-minded obsession with woman's body parts.

The photos of you on a porn site.

I don’t like myself, and I'm hoping you'll treat me like a crack whore.


How quickly you can change the subject when cornered.


When would you like to go out with me?:

When you're available.

When I'm available.

When your heart stops.

As soon as my dog is finished humping your leg.

As soon as your dog is finished humping my leg.

After I suck off a Great Dane.

When you win the lotto.

When HELL freezes over!


How would you rate yourself in terms of your physical attractiveness?

I'm a troll.

I'm the girl next door.

Miss Piggy looks good next to me.

Barbie comes to mind.

I’m a BC woman (it means you have hairy legs and arm pits and you wear a plaid coat and logger boots and don't email me pissed about this. You don't think that 80% of cute women in the BC fit this description? Ask any guy you know living Oregon and Alaska. If he's honest, he'll tell you the same thing. I blame the rain and the long winters.  Why work out if bikini weather is only 4 months?)

No, really, I don’t think you understand: I am U-G-L-Y


How would you rate yourself in terms of your intelligence?:

Mentally challenged.

I can read, write and spelt, which is more than I can say for you.

Next to you . . . I’m a fucking genius.

I can bend things with my mind.

I’m dumber than a brick.

Who are you to question the intelligence of anyone else?

I like to use lots of exclamation points!!!! Yippee!!!


How would you rate yourself in terms of your emotional maturity and stability?:

I’m about average.

I’m pretty sane, I have some minor problems, but the doctors are looking into it.

I’m very emotionally stable.

I am a rock.

I’m crazier than a shit-house rat.

I claw at my eyes, trying to get the demons out.

The doctor's says they can’t increase my prescriptions anymore.

Sometimes, the restraints chafe my wrists.

Why do you ask?!? Do you know something?!? Who have you been talking too?!?

They mostly come at night. Mostly. . .


What is your most defining feature or characteristic?:

You'll be talking to my chest most of the time.

Drugs will help (me not you).

My compassionate nature.

My incredible intelligence.

My huge breasts.

I have the ass of a 12 year-old girl.

My personality.

My sphincter can break a beer bottle.

My matted pubic hair.

My willingness to use sex to get what I want.


What would you expect me to bring?:




A gun

A unquenchable libido.

Water for my men and beer for my horses.

"A friend for the dog."


What will I do when I see you?:



Start jumping up and down yelling “UH, UH, UH”.

Pretend I'm not human.

Pretend I have epilepsy.

Vomit uncontrollably

Curse the Internet.

Run like hell.


What will my friends say when they see you?:

" Is he totally nuts!"

“Another tall, hot blonde with no self-esteem…he’ll be getting laid tonight.”

“But he loves her, man”

“My Lord--she smells like the fish market.”

“Well, she’s too ugly for him to date…$10 says he sleeps with her anyway.”

“Oh shit…somebody call 911.”

“Should have been a blow job.”

“Her shade of lipstick looks like the color you’d find at the base of a penis.”

“Look at her...did she just get released from a methadone clinic?”

“Her face looks like it caught on fire and someone beat it out with a rake.”

"Do your friends control your love life, you pussy?"

“That's some scary shit.”


What should I wear?:

Nothing . . . I'm into public nudity.

Something that says “I’m a rich, arrogant lawyer”.

Something that says “Northwest Logger,” like cork boots, jean overalls, and a plaid shit.

Something that says “I ain't got me no money,” like a burlap sack.

Something that says “I’ve been on Cops,” like boxer shorts and a stained shirt.

Something that says “I really don’t care”, like flip-flops, old jeans and a T-shirt.

Something that says “pimp,” like a peach colored shirt and white suit.

Something that says “I shop at thrift stores,” like Dickie’s and a bowling shirt.

Something that says “1993 Jodeci video”, like a hot pink tank top and spandex shorts.

Something that says “Disco Man”, like a leisure suit.

Whatever you have that’s clean.

Surprise me.

Nothing at all.

Anything leather.


What will we do on our first date?:

Go to dinner and a movie.

Mock those less fortunate than us.

Argue, yell and possibly even fight.

Fuck. What else would we do?

Try to cripple children.

Try and pick up a stripper.

Get absolutely shit-house, fucking, retarded drunk.

Go to a gun range.

“Will you cook my dinner for me? My parents aren’t around and I’m not allowed to turn on the stove.”

All of the above.

None of the above.

Some strange combination of the above.


What type of food will we eat, assuming we go to dinner?:

Is 3 prunes enough or is 4 to many?






Vegan (yeah…have fun eating alone)

Light post-coital snack.


Who needs to eat if liquor is available?

I don’t eat--I’m a smack addict.

Whatever we can find in the dumpster.


What will we drink? (we will be drinking…or at least I’ll be drinking):




fine malt liquor


wine in a box

whatever is cheapest

whatever we can steal from homeless people

whatever we can make in your bathtub

I prefer hard drugs, thank you


How much does it take to get you drunk?:

The smell of alcohol

A few beers

A few glasses of wine

A six-pack

A six-pack of Ripple

I can out drink a logger.

I can out drink an Irish Catholic Priest 

Ever heard of Motley Crue? I taught them how to party.


What will we talk about on our date?:




Sex in public places.

Butt sex.

The sexual short comings of ex’s.

Group sex.

What that slut at the next table is wearing.

How our parents fucked us up beyond belief.

How much everyone around us sucks.

How we're the only two intelligent people on the planet.

The implications of us having sex.

The Iron Chef.

Whether or not Scooby Do snacks are hallucinogenic drugs.

People that we've met from Internet chat rooms and how sad their lives are.

Lots of different things.


I should compliment you by saying:

“You have incredible eyes.”

“That is the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.”

“You are a very cool person.”

“Are you gonna finish that? Cause if not...”

“You’re ugly, but you have a nice personality.”

“If you didn’t have such fat head, you could be a model.”

“Oh My God…was anyone else hurt in the accident?”

“That tumor on your forehead really brings out the brown in your eyes.”

“That’s the same perfume they put on my grandmother at her wake.”

“Did you fart? You farted, didn’t you?”

“I’d club a baby seal to get a second date with you.”

“I had no idea a woman could have such a large ass paired with such small breasts.”

“Can I pee on you?”

“You don’t sweat much for a fattie.”

“You should be on TV. They use plain looking women too.”

“Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.”


Finish this sentence: “I like a man that…

respects me.”

worships me.”

deifies me.”

likes me more than a sharp stick in the eye."

treats me like shit.” (be honest…) 

likes to hurt small animals.”

has spent a healthy amount of time in a maximum-security federal prison.”

is uglier than me.”

is dumber than me.”

respects me in the morning”

looks like my mommy after she drinks her box of wine.”


What will we do after dinner?:

Have coffee and dessert

Run out on the bill

Go dancing

Go to hell

Have a long and meaningful conversation

Throw the dishes on the floor and fuck on the table

Go somewhere to be alone, but just cuddle

Point out each others shortcomings

Groping and pawing

Why do I have to make all the decisions? I thought you were a fucking man!

“Help! She’s touching my special area!”


How will the date end?:

Us planning for another date.

An awkward silence.

A noncommittal hug.

A sweet, tender kiss.

By having meaningless sex.

Me pouring my heart out to you while you secretly record it to put on your website.

Passionate, unbridled, hanging from the chandelier, sex.

Me cursing you abusively from the safety of my porch.

Me calling the cops to get you out of my house.

You throwing flaming bags of dog poop at my porch.

A nonspecific burning sensation.

One of us waking up in jail without our shoe laces.

“Oh boy now I can go home and get some sleep!”


If you made it this far, I’m sure you have something else of value to say.
If you want me to email you back, you need to write something below,
(just a hint...  it will be easier for me to understand if you type in the box
 instead of printing with a crayon on the monitor in front of you).

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