The Mystic Jimster Predicts

I have magic balls and when I stare at them I can foretell your future.
Let's see what fate is going to deal you this month...

	Capricorn	You will worry that your inferiority complex is smaller than everyone else's.
	Aquarius	Avoid gynecologists who fancy themselves as ventriloquists.
	Pisces	The next time you are visiting friends you will overhear them deciding not to invite you again because you make their towels smell.
	Aries	A terrible tragedy awaits one of your pets.  Maybe your cat will be mauled by a pack of dogs.
	Sagittarius	Your lucky rabbit's foot doesn't help you on Monday when you are viciously gnawed to death by a giant three-legged bunny.
	Leo	After a minor indiscretion you will be viciously booted in the happy-sacks resulting in you speaking like a squeaky toy.
	Virgo	You will be horribly hung-over and awake one morning, in a strange bed remembering only the name Susan.  Thinking "Who's Susan?" you will turn over and see a big, fat hairy biker with Susan tattooed on his arse.
	Libra	On Friday you will be brutally ravaged by your dreams. You will not survive.
	Scorpio	The sting is surely in the tail for you this week when your penis is bitten off by a tortoise.
	Gemini	Your dog will get cancer. Surprising as you didn't know he smoked.
	Cancer	You will be abducted by aliens who will find your genitals endlessly amusing.
	Taurus	You will be invited to a party, it will end with an auction. You will be sold to the highest bidder (see Virgo, above)